Friday, April 27, 2012

Sexy wifey

I'm cold all the time. I get out of bed, my little feet are freezing. I step out of the shower, my teeth are chattering. But to prep my icy body for a baby, I need to keep it at a toasty temperature, yet, I resist. Husband runs after me with my slippers but I refuse to put them on. He throws sweaters, scarves, and socks at me but I reject them all. I do not want to look like a scary wife in sweatpants, slippers, and my reading glasses. I dread being that girl. I want to be sexy and saucy. My husband wants me to be warm.

But here is another upside to infertility- the side effects of hormone shots! The meds have raised my temperature so much, I am over-heating. Hallelujah! Let there be warmth! And sexy wifey!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Who's your daddy

If I were to need a sperm donor here are a few options and what our offspring would look like. (there are some not-so-hot pappas below but together we still make damn cute kids. My DNA is just that good ya'll.)

Name: Braoke
Papa: Barack Obama
"There was no cigar
used in the making of this baby"

Name: Princess Brilliam
Royal Father: Prince William
"Mummy and Daddy have
blond hair and blue eyes-
something's fishy here."

Name: Bronan
Daddy: Conan O'Brien
"I get my looks from my mom"
Name: Brelsea
Parent: Chelsea Handler
"I woke in Vegas next to Chelsea Handler-
and all I got was this baby."
Name: Brac
Pops: Zac Effron
"No children were hurt during the making
of this baby... except Mr Effron
(but he liked it)."
I have to give props to for making it so easy to make all these adorable babies. I barely felt a thing!

Monday, April 23, 2012

A cure for the baby shower blues

Boys, I know exactly how you feel
I had yet another baby shower to attend and it's always a worry because I never know how I'm going to react until I'm there. I never want the mamma-to-be to feel weirded out or guilty over my own hardships- so I try not to let the tears flow during a party (I save that mess for my husband to clean up later). As I mentioned in another post, I discovered alcohol at baby showers is not my friend in this matter. But alcohol in massive amounts the night before is my new BFF!

I was concentrating so hard on not upchucking my previous night's partying- I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. Hallelujah! The only downside- anyone at the shower that knew of my fertility troubles probably thought my lowered head, tummy holding, barely-enough-energy-to-pick-up-my-water-glass behavior was because I was sulky and depressed. But, alas, no, I was only massively hungover and trying not to spew on the mamma-to-be's pink shoes.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

If sugar is the devil... send me straight to hell

thank you, sir, may I have another
The best medicine for infertility... sugar! (and wine- but I'll get to that later). I'm not one to half-ass something so if I want sugar, I go all the way.
My mother and I discovered the recipe for Oh, God! pie while reading the cheeky Southern humor book, The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love. The pie's official name is Coconut Caramel Pie, but they call it Oh, God! because that's all you say as you add one decadent ingredient after another.

You'll gain five pounds just by reading the ingredient list. But it is worth it!

"Coconut Caramel Pie"
(aka Oh, God!)

8 oz thigh-enhancing cream cheese
1 can bum-expanding Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk
16 oz. bulging-belly cool whip
7 oz. shredded coconut
1/2 stick back-boobs butter
1 c. pecans
12 oz. jar of double-chin caramel sauce

Mix cream cheese, condensed milk, & cool whip and place in two pie dishes with crusts.
(To make pie crusts: Mash together 1 1/2 cups flour, 1 stick butter, & 1 cup finely chopped pecans. Bake in oven at 350 for 10 minutes- until it tans)

Put coconut, butter, and pecans onto a cookie sheet and toast it in oven (stir it occasionally and watch that it doesn't burn)

Place coconut and pecan mix on top of pies and pour caramel sauce over the tops.

Lower onto floor and dig in (or freeze for easier cutting and consumption later).


I'd love more decadent recipes to gobble down. If you've got some, put a link to the recipe (or the whole thing) in the comment section below. I'm gonna get nice and plump once I'm pregnant- might as well get a head start!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

28 days in pergatory

"Not take over your life?
Oh, you silly girl!"
When I started down this road of infertility I told myself I would not let it overtake my life. Ha! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, what a fool I was. My life is now measured in 28 day cycles, starting with the first day of my period. 

Cycle without fertility treatment

Daily: Take temperature every morning to track ovulation. Take a regiment of vitamins to get my body ready for a baby.

Once a Week: Acupuncture treatment

Every other day: spend an hour boiling raw herbs for Chinese tea (okay- not everyone does this but I live in LA)

Day 1: First day of my period (this is a sad and frustrating day when you are trying to get pregnant. You want that biyatch to take a nine month holiday!)

Day 9-14: Test ovulation by peeing on a stick 1-2 times a day. Have sex every other day (me likey this part).

Day 13 or 14: Ovulation day. Send dirty sext messages to husband. Maybe throw in a boob shot for good measure. Have sex.

Day 15-28: The waiting game. These two weeks suck! You tell yourself to forget about it but all you do is analyze every little change in your body and Google it to see if it means you're pregnant: wake up one morning craving fried pickles- pregnant! boobs are tender- pregnant! lower back pain- pregnant! crying over hallmark commercial- pregnant! As I near the last days of my cycle, I begin checking the toilet paper every time I wipe for the dreaded red streak- the telltale sign that my period has arrived. Oh, not to mention the pregnancy tests that I begin taking on day 24. I try to resist but I can't! If it were up to me (and they didn't cost $20 a pack- oh, how they rape the wallets of desperate women) I'd take 2 tests a day.

Cycle with fertility treatment (IUI/Clomid/HCG)

Daily: Take temperature every morning to track ovulation. Take a regiment of vitamins to get my body ready for baby.

Once a Week: Acupuncture treatment

Every other day: spend an hour boiling raw herbs for chinese tea (okay- not everyone does this but I live in LA)

Day 1: First day of my period (waaaaah!). Call doctor’s office to make appointment for the following day.

Not exactly what I had in mind when
I said foreplay (vag ultrasound)
Day 2: Go to doctor’s office to have blood drawn (and be stalked by annoying pictures of happy families) to test my baby-making hormones (FSH and estradiol levels). Than I have a vaginal ultrasound.

Day 3-7: Take two clomid pills per day and ready myself for hot flashes and crying spells (and lots of back rubbing by husband).

Day 10: Second vaginal ultrasound to check ovulation and then I bend over for an injection of HCG to stimulate ovulation.

Day 11 or 12: Husband gives his 'donation' at the fertility clinic, which I pick up an hour later and drive to my ObGyn's office where he inserts the spermies directly into my uterus through a thin catheter. Then I rest on the table for twenty minutes giving those spermies a pep talk until I grow bored and then flip through Us Weekly. (Some days I'm fine after the IUI and some days the cramping is so bad I have to rest or lay down for the rest of the day- but it's a good excuse to catch up on Dancing with the Stars or Mad Men!).

Day 13-28: The waiting game. Hate. This. Part. You spend your whole life praying your period arrives each month and then one day, you're doing eveything in your power so it doesn't. It kind of messes with your head.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Go ahead. Make my day.

I have perfect aim
If someone says any of these phrases to me one more time, I won't just be using this gun for sport:

I know a couple that tried for years and as soon as they adopted, they got pregnant!
You just need to relax.

We weren't even trying!

Everything happens for a reason.

Maybe you're not ready.

I got pregnant on the first try!